Monday, November 20, 2023

Soliloquies- 29th Birthday

A few hours before birthday, I was not sure how my day was turning out to be. I was intuitive the world is going to celebrate my birthday for me as every year it happens, but, the other side of me pushed me to shut down and sit in my room dominantly. In the conundrum of a lot of emotions, I was struggling to process it. This time, I was crumbling down and got scared of myself. 

Luckily, this birthday has been one to teach me a lot of life lessons. Hope I'll stay with them and walk them in my life. 

"Being in the past depresses you. Being in future makes you feel anxious. Stay attentive to life, you'll live."

These days, painting grounds me to stay in the moment and I was rigorously painting until I heard several knocks on my door. I opened the door to see Sandra, Shivam, Gayatri and alot more in the background singing for me. Those smiling faces communicated more than what words would say. I could sense that they're very happy to share this moment with me. All of them walked into my room wishing me with a happy birthday song. As I was struggling to keep up with emotions my body is throwing at me, I took a moment for myself and joined the crowd. 

Ann, Adhira, Anjali, Archit, Epsa, Gayathri, Giri, Harshitha, Jyot,Prathit, Sandra, Shivam, Sanket, Vinathi gathered at community kitchen and were waiting for me. A lovely cake and a lot of efforts to lit up the candle, I could see the faces filled with happiness as well as bit tiredness. They had a full blast Diwali party and after that, they chose to wish me and celebrate my birthday. I'm grateful for everything. While the crowd was cheering me up and singing Chamak Challo, Pal dheere dheere, Mayanadhi and some other songs, I cut the cake and began the birthday celebration. 

I had a chance to catch up with Sandra & Archit after a long time. There's more silence than stories that always flowed between us. Ann, Archit, Sandra, Shivam & Vinathi spent a few minutes. Ann walked in with a book of poetry. I'm touched by the gesture. Thanks Ann, books mean a lot to me.

We walked down till the nations and Ann, Vinathi, Jyot headed to Cite. Shivam to Vernier. I encouraged Archit to come out on a walk with me. We walked along and I showed him my favourite path to institute and then walked across jardin botanique, WTO, and reached the lake. We sat across the lake and  spent long time sharing all that's happening at our end. Archit shared the wish to explore Geneva and how he misses Delhi. I went on nostalgia trip and shared how my birthday were spent from 2012. Knowing that I have a lot to share, I was immensely grateful to be old. I'm 29. 

Along with it, we spent time and I walked back home. I've already spent nights walking across nation at different hours. 

I woke up to the calls of mom, Dad, Akhila and other family members, messages. An hour on calls, I got ready and walked but without knowing where to go. I just wished to stay outdoors. 

I had one place in mind and I took a bus to the far location of Geneva and reached there. From there, I began to walk along the trail. 

Over a walk, I was reflecting on my life and birthdays. Important life lessosn I reflected on. 

1) Grieve for the loss. Loss of lives, loss of relations, loss of money, loss of places, loss of job. I've always felt I always moved ahead celebrating the lives, relations, money, places, jobs I had. Little did I realise that loss causes grief and to grieve is to be human. Due to life events, I stumbled on this thought and learning a lot about grief and loss. 

2) Learn to love yourself by actions but not words. 

This has been the eye opening as I always put myself and my needs at the last, thinking it's egoistic to put my needs first but, when I hit the stage where I'm unable to function well as I realised the critical situation of saving ourselves from everything. 

Walking amidst trees adn nature,  and I felt immensely grateful for everything in life. I have so many people in my life who share love with me. Dont' label love but also be clear of what you want. 

I walked across fields, and watched the trees. Every now and then I stop myself looking at the trees, grass and the fields. In that way, I walked for 4-5 hours getting into the another point in the city. There was a bus which was heading to some location. I rushed and got onto the bus. I got down at the stop and I noticed a church. I walked into the church to spend some time alone.  Churshces gives you sense of peace. I prayed and spent some time. I noticed that they have a beauitul organ and colorful glass walls. 

Taking harry's suggestuion, I've deiced to treat myself for this birthday and I realised how difficult is it for me to treat myself. Knowing that I've already sent gifts to friend who shared my birthday, i couldn't buy myself a stone that i love of it's texture a, shape  and colour. A reminder to love yourself and it's the reflection of the world. 

I was uncomrortable to buy it but, I pushed myself and bought the stone. A reminder to love yourself before you love the world. 

My Dad always gave us boutniful. I always saw him giving or bring us in fulls. If my dad buys anything for anyone, its' always a lot. Either he gives a lot if not nothing. Always, in full measure. Always abundant. I always love that. You give heartiful and give as you feel. But, when he wants to get something he wishes others to buy but he doesn't get it on his own. I also like it when others buy for me. But, I should learn to buy for me before expecting others to buy it for me. 

Continuing my long walk, I walked around the neighbourhood and got onto another bus without knowing where to head. I got on a bus and the next step was this plainpalais cemetery. A beautiful one. This year seems to be the year of grief and gratitude. I walked along watching the graves and imagining the lives of humans who rested. 

I noticed an old man sitting next to a grave. For once I though he was a life size statue but, his sighs hinted me that he's a human. He was grieving. Grieving in his own ways. We shouldn't escape grieving. 

I worked on that thought and walked along watching how long they've lived and how a few lives persished before it bloomed. When do you call a life worth loved.

Grateful to be alive.  

And walked again for miles till I reached la jonction. Another reminder, I can't starve myself and  say I love myself. Love through actions. I headed to home to feed myself food. I made myself a simple hot sandwhich. Over it caught up with messages and calls. 

Over the past week, N was inviting me for dinner and the plan never got materialised. Luckily, we decided to have dinner on my birthday. I headed to her place for birthday dinner. Over chicken, rice and some wine, we had a lovely dinner, sharing our stories and lives. 

After a lovely dinner, we headed to church for the mass. After the mass, caught up with A, N & M to  celebrate the birthday with caracs, a dish I got introduced by N. 

 Before I call it a day, I wished myself a happy birthday a reminder to love myself through actions and also words. 

What an eventful day. Loved it.

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