Soliloquies- 29th Birthday

A few hours before birthday, I was not sure how my day was turning out to be. I was intuitive the world is going to celebrate my birthday for me as every year it happens, but, the other side of me pushed me to shut down and sit in my room dominantly. In the conundrum of a lot of emotions, I was struggling to process it. This time, I was crumbling down and got scared of myself. 

Luckily, this birthday has been one to teach me a lot of life lessons. Hope I'll stay with them and walk them in my life. 

"Being in the past depresses you. Being in future makes you feel anxious. Stay attentive to life, you'll live."

These days, painting grounds me to stay in the moment and I was rigorously painting until I heard several knocks on my door. I opened the door to see Sandra, Shivam, Gayatri and alot more in the background singing for me. Those smiling faces communicated more than what words would say. I could sense that they're very happy to share this moment with me. All of them walked into my room wishing me with a happy birthday song. As I was struggling to keep up with emotions my body is throwing at me, I took a moment for myself and joined the crowd. 

Ann, Adhira, Anjali, Archit, Epsa, Gayathri, Giri, Harshitha, Jyot,Prathit, Sandra, Shivam, Sanket, Vinathi gathered at community kitchen and were waiting for me. A lovely cake and a lot of efforts to lit up the candle, I could see the faces filled with happiness as well as bit tiredness. They had a full blast Diwali party and after that, they chose to wish me and celebrate my birthday. I'm grateful for everything. While the crowd was cheering me up and singing Chamak Challo, Pal dheere dheere, Mayanadhi and some other songs, I cut the cake and began the birthday celebration. 

I had a chance to catch up with Sandra & Archit after a long time. There's more silence than stories that always flowed between us. Ann, Archit, Sandra, Shivam & Vinathi spent a few minutes. Ann walked in with a book of poetry. I'm touched by the gesture. Thanks Ann, books mean a lot to me.

We walked down till the nations and Ann, Vinathi, Jyot headed to Cite. Shivam to Vernier. I encouraged Archit to come out on a walk with me. We walked along and I showed him my favourite path to institute and then walked across jardin botanique, WTO, and reached the lake. We sat across the lake and  spent long time sharing all that's happening at our end. Archit shared the wish to explore Geneva and how he misses Delhi. I went on nostalgia trip and shared how my birthday were spent from 2012. Knowing that I have a lot to share, I was immensely grateful to be old. I'm 29. 

Along with it, we spent time and I walked back home. I've already spent nights walking across nation at different hours. 

I woke up to the calls of mom, Dad, Akhila and other family members, messages. An hour on calls, I got ready and walked but without knowing where to go. I just wished to stay outdoors. 

I had one place in mind and I took a bus to the far location of Geneva and reached there. From there, I began to walk along the trail. 

Over a walk, I was reflecting on my life and birthdays. Important life lessosn I reflected on. 

1) Grieve for the loss. Loss of lives, loss of relations, loss of money, loss of places, loss of job. I've always felt I always moved ahead celebrating the lives, relations, money, places, jobs I had. Little did I realise that loss causes grief and to grieve is to be human. Due to life events, I stumbled on this thought and learning a lot about grief and loss. 

2) Learn to love yourself by actions but not words. 

This has been the eye opening as I always put myself and my needs at the last, thinking it's egoistic to put my needs first but, when I hit the stage where I'm unable to function well as I realised the critical situation of saving ourselves from everything. 

Walking amidst trees adn nature,  and I felt immensely grateful for everything in life. I have so many people in my life who share love with me. Dont' label love but also be clear of what you want. 

I walked across fields, and watched the trees. Every now and then I stop myself looking at the trees, grass and the fields. In that way, I walked for 4-5 hours getting into the another point in the city. There was a bus which was heading to some location. I rushed and got onto the bus. I got down at the stop and I noticed a church. I walked into the church to spend some time alone.  Churshces gives you sense of peace. I prayed and spent some time. I noticed that they have a beauitul organ and colorful glass walls. 

Taking harry's suggestuion, I've deiced to treat myself for this birthday and I realised how difficult is it for me to treat myself. Knowing that I've already sent gifts to friend who shared my birthday, i couldn't buy myself a stone that i love of it's texture a, shape  and colour. A reminder to love yourself and it's the reflection of the world. 

I was uncomrortable to buy it but, I pushed myself and bought the stone. A reminder to love yourself before you love the world. 

My Dad always gave us boutniful. I always saw him giving or bring us in fulls. If my dad buys anything for anyone, its' always a lot. Either he gives a lot if not nothing. Always, in full measure. Always abundant. I always love that. You give heartiful and give as you feel. But, when he wants to get something he wishes others to buy but he doesn't get it on his own. I also like it when others buy for me. But, I should learn to buy for me before expecting others to buy it for me. 

Continuing my long walk, I walked around the neighbourhood and got onto another bus without knowing where to head. I got on a bus and the next step was this plainpalais cemetery. A beautiful one. This year seems to be the year of grief and gratitude. I walked along watching the graves and imagining the lives of humans who rested. 

I noticed an old man sitting next to a grave. For once I though he was a life size statue but, his sighs hinted me that he's a human. He was grieving. Grieving in his own ways. We shouldn't escape grieving. 

I worked on that thought and walked along watching how long they've lived and how a few lives persished before it bloomed. When do you call a life worth loved.

Grateful to be alive.  

And walked again for miles till I reached la jonction. Another reminder, I can't starve myself and  say I love myself. Love through actions. I headed to home to feed myself food. I made myself a simple hot sandwhich. Over it caught up with messages and calls. 

Over the past week, N was inviting me for dinner and the plan never got materialised. Luckily, we decided to have dinner on my birthday. I headed to her place for birthday dinner. Over chicken, rice and some wine, we had a lovely dinner, sharing our stories and lives. 

After a lovely dinner, we headed to church for the mass. After the mass, caught up with A, N & M to  celebrate the birthday with caracs, a dish I got introduced by N. 

 Before I call it a day, I wished myself a happy birthday a reminder to love myself through actions and also words. 

What an eventful day. Loved it.

Friends- Aaaand Bala is engaged

What a moment to celebrate this. Bala and Veda got engaged. November seems to be Bala's month. On November 25 2017, Retro got opened and on November 19 2023, he got engaged with his love, Veda. It pains me a bit to miss these moments but, I'm trying to accept the life as it comes and be grateful for it. Happy for this adorable couple!

 

Movie- Silverlinings Playbook

Despite being an admirer of Jennifer Lawrence's acting, I postponed watching this movie a lot of times. I wonder why.  Bradley Cooper as Pat, has a restraining order and is hopeful to get back to his wife Nikki. He runs into Tiffany and the story begins. 

Jennifer, as ever, was at her best. Loved her acting. Would love to watch it again for JL

Thoughts- Poetry

Things I hear from others whenever I mention word, 'Poetry'

"I don't get poetry. For poetry, I think you need to have a calm mood and simple times."

"I need mountains, blue sky and then I can read some poetry."

Everyone have their way of liking something. Many atimes, people want to make sense out of poetry. We may not make a sense out of poetry, but, we can always use our five senses and sense it. Listen to a poem only as sounds. Close your eyes and let a reader read out a poem to you. See a poem and look how the shape of words flow. 

There are many ways to sense a poem rather than making sense out of it. 

It's difficult to find writer friends, poet friends. If you have them, keep them close. I'm grateful to have a few who always help me grow in life. 

Poem of the day- Mary Oliver

 https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poetrymagazine/browse?contentId=37174

Geneva Journals- La Farce and Book Haul

There are a few tiny things I look forward on a thursday. Book haul enroute La Farce and the orange juice at Lidl. This time, I got three books even though I was planning to treat me a lot as birthday gifts but, couldn't get good titles. The culture map by Erin Meyer. The Secret History by Donna Tart & A Class of Their Own by Matt Knot. Will pick to read one of these in near time. 

During La Farce haul, I found one person reading a book with a bright wide smile on her face. So happy to see someone getting lost in the act of reading. 

I saw you enjoying the book thoroughly, I siad, 'What are you readng?'

"Elegance of HedgeHog" she shared the book with a smile. Another title to look out for. 

I had a fresh soft waffle at LaFarce. Loved it. Thanks La Farce team for the yummy waffle and croissant. 

Good day. 

Geneva Journals- A Calm and Lively Dinner

Conversations over dinner table about everything under the sun are the memories I'm going to cherish the most. I'm positive that I'm going to be abundant with these memories in Geneva. 

This time, watching Miss Calm cook chicken, I was inspired and began to cook in her style under her supervision. Miss Lively walked in, wearing a smile and stories over the sleeves. She shared how carrots and coffee made her write a poem and recited it. As ever, a splendid one. 

A dinner with chicken sphagetti, carrot rice and my amateur chicken and rice, we shared our lives. Mostly through incidents and sometimes through memories. Knowing the grey weather we've in ourselves and around us, Miss Calm encouraged me to not miss out little things in life but also to take care of myself in the most possible ways. Miss Lively came up with brilliant analogies to pep me up. "If you've a mosquito biting you, the pain or experience may be present for 5 minutes. You can't avoid the bite to avoid the pain. The trick is to let the painful experience subside to 4 minutes, then 3 minutes, then 2 minutes."

As an enthusiastic listener, I was ambitious and said," at the end we should let the painful experience reaction to be under a minute." Miss Calm, calmly asserted, "we're humans. We're meant to have feelings. You can't intend to avoid everything."

Another tip I enjoyed receiving was way to find tiny little pleasant things in life. Miss Lively shared how she makes notes of tiny little things that brought a smile on her face. "Be it tiny, notice it!" she shared. 

Thanks to Miss Calm and Miss Lively who always regaled me with their stories, experiences and advices. I'm grateful to have you over the dinner and share a conversation. 

Thoughts- Writing & Sharing

Many a times, I do not speak what I little know of. 

About writing, poetry, education, language. I'm sure I do not know a lot about these but I've begun to learn a little bit about all of these. I was glad I could be of help when a few old friends reached out to me to know a bit about these. I should start myself to share if it's gonna help anyone, anywhere, in anyplace. 

Interesting Story- Books and Gifts

 https://sadhanablog.blogspot.com/2019/04/as-you-live-life-stories-happen.html

I feel immensely joyful to read this story. Lovely journey of a book, 11 year old daughter who turned designer and a mother who sow seeds of love and in return is only filled with love, love and only love. 

Geneva Journals- Swiss Chambers Music Concert

I went ahead with the pass I got to collect my ticket. Are you a music student? the lady at the reception, enquired. No, I answered. You may have to pay 10Fr, if you're general student. She replied. 10 CHF. That's worth of 3 litres of orange juice, 4 10*10 canvases. I gave it a thought and stayed silent. Please collect the ticket and enjoy the concert, she smiled and handed over the ticket. 

She was allowing me to enter freely. I felt immensely blessed by the kind gesture. I walked with a happy smile and took a front seat.

The Swiss Chambers concert has these instruments and was blown away by the performance. 

The audience enjoyed it hence, they clapped continuously for long time that the musicians who walked out of the stage returned twice to receive the appreciation. That was quite impressive. May be I seemed to be the only one who took the phone out to record few moments. The audience at the concert definitely know how to enjoy the performance unlike me. 

On an average, the age group of the audience was 50+. I began to notice organs at every place I visited. This place has an impressive organ. Would love to witness a performance on this. 

Book- Synchrodestiny by Deepak Chhopra

The way I got to know about this book itself is a miracle. The life events that followed in my life in the month of October is beyond more than coincidences. I went to Zurich on impulse without money, without a plan, without a place to stay, to volunteer for A.R.Rahman concert. Getting to know about A.R.Rahman concert as well as getting selected to it itself is a major coincidence in my life. 

After traveling to Zurich, I met Soujanya, who helped me to find a place and suggested this book, "Synchrodestiny by Deepak Chhopra"

I'm glad I picked it up. I'll jot down the words and quote author's words rather than my views on the book. 

It starts with physics Heisenberg principle on the duality of nature and how there's material world and also world beyond the materials that we perceive. 

Author talks about matter, mind and spirt. There are different types of domains. Physical domain, quantum domain and the non-local domain. The non-local domain is explained by various physics principles- heisenberg, schrodinger and other physicists. 

There's synchonicity in nature which reflects harmony. A flock of birds, school of fish, moving in a synchronous way. Author points out, that "there's not enough time for any exchange of information, so any correlation of activity among the birds must be happening nonlocally."

"Examples of synchronicity can be found most often in the animal world because animals are more in touch with the essential nature of things. We humans lose our sense of connectedness in a welter of concerns about rent payments, which car to buy or any of million other distractions."

The nature of the soul is described as, "In the vastness of the ocean, there's no ego. Seen from a great distance, from the moon or a satelite, the ocean looks calm and inanimate, a large swath of blue girdling the earth. But as we get closer and closer to the ocean itself, we see that it is in constant motion, roiled by currents, tides, eddies and waves. We see these ocean patterns as distinct entities. As each wave is created, we can watch its crest, break and race to the shore. Yet it is impossible to seperate the wave from the ocean."

The soul derives from non-local domain and we belong to local and non-local domain. We seem to belong to everyone yet, we feel quite individual. 

Soul in author's words- "A soul is the observer who interprets and makes choices based on karma, it is also a confluence of relationships, out of which emerge contexts and meaning, and it is this flow of context and meaning that creates experience."

Simply asking a question or trying to recall an event converts a virtual memory into a real memory- This is a very interesting perspective to ponder on stay in the question rather than hurrying to find the answers. 

"Intention, imagination, insight, intuition, inspiration, meaning, purpose, creativity, understanding, all these have nothing to do with brain. They orchestrate their activity through the brain, but they are qualities of the nonlocal domain, which is beyond space and time. Still, their impact is felt very strongly. Once they enter our minds, we have to do something with them, and what we do with them determines, in part, who you define yourself to be. 

Intention- "Physical reality would not exist were it not for intent. Intent activates nonlocal, synchronized correlation in the brain. Whenever there is cognition or perception of physical reality, the brain's disparate region shows a "phase and frequency of locking in," of the firing patterns of individual neurons in different parts of the brain. "

"This nonlocal synchronisation around a frequency of forty hertz(forty cycles per second). This synchronisation, also called binding, is a requirement for cognition. Without it you would not see a person as a person, a house as a house, a tree as a tree, or a face in the photograph as a face. You might just observe dots of black and white, scattered lines...."

Author quoted a few lines from upanishads, 

"You are what your deepest desire is. As is your desire, so is your intention. As is your intention, so is your will. As is your will, so is your deed. As is your deed, so is your destiny."

"Whatever you put your attention on becomes energized."

"Attention activates the energy field and intention activates the information field, which causes transformation."

A few questions to stay with

Who am I? What do I want for my life? What do I want from my life today?

There are basics of meditation and there are 7 principles to meditate upon. I'd definitely revisit this book. 

Poetry- The Purple Balloon

I bought a purple balloon
to play with
to kick
to float
to fly
to have it around

Is it not too late to play with balloons
One could ask

What would I do, If I say yes to 
Play?

Memories - A.R.Rahman and I

I'm humbled by the journey and the way I got a chance to share the space for few moments with A.R.Rahman who's been there with me, through his music and words.

Geneva Journals- Conversations over Calls

People who know me knows how much I love talking in-person. Also, people who know me knows how much I keep moving. Moving all the time in life, I try to do my best to catch up with people in-person whenever possible. 

Moving to Geneva, the option of traveling to places to catch up with friends got limited. Never a fan of WhatsApp Calls but, I'm learning to connect to people over this new medium. Something is better than anything.

Thoughts- Love over anything

All of us always have choices. Choosing Love over anything is the best thing that we do to ourselves as well as the world. Love drives compassion, kindness, empathy and all that brings peace in life. Choosing love is tough but, that's the right thing to do. 

Geneva Journals- The Theatre Huddle

Elchin was lying on the floor, enjoying the view. I joined her and asked, when did she begin enjoying theatre? She mentioned that she was late and started enjoying theatre since high school. If she began enjoying theatre in high school and feels she's late, I wondered how I'd should feel who began to acknowledge and appreciate theatre since 4 years. 

Nyan walked in and this time, we balanced the stage, walked across, selected a partner, did mirror, hypnosis and gold fish. Everything was a flow! We transitioned so smoothly and with the apt music, we were tapping our bodies, warming up as well as adding rhythm. 

This time, we delved more on image theatre and began to make images. It's interesting how I presented myself from the events happening in my life rather than thinking too much about what I shoudl portray. And that's what seemed to work. Who am I ? What's my story? If we are here to express ourselves? Why not put ourselves on the spot rather than sharing any other story. 

As people joined, the story began to weave and Nyan helped us to find our characters and what we're intending to perform. Surprisingly none of them had an eye contact with anyone. Miscommunication, not willing to talk. Fear of being there to have difficult conversation are few thoughts that flashed. 

Who are you? What do you want? are few questions that helped us to ponder on what exactly do we want out of it?

Later, through an active meditation, we were given instructions to visualise. we performed Big ear where we listen to others, to understand. Elchin and I worked together on this exercise. We share other's stories as our stories. 

At the end, we discussed, how we could use this stories to build a play. 

Movie- Monalisa Smile

 Over several lunches and dinners, I managed to finish watching this movie as I found this movie too overwhelming to watch it in one go. I got introduced to this movie by Jeet Bhai. In one of the educational courses, Jeet bhai uses this clip on the role of a teacher. What does teacher need to do? If teacher's job is to tell what's in the books then, what value a teacher is adding. 

The movie is exactly about this. How does Miss Katherine Watson makes her students think! Think about art, life, and everything that pushes themselves to be a better self. I cried at the end looking how a teacher can touch many lives and got reminded of teachers who taught me to think and shaped me the person I'm. 

To name a few teachers who impacted my life in one way or the other  Jyothi mam, George Prakash sir, Masood sir, Kiranmayi mam, Anil sir, Satyanarayana sir, Sunita mam, Bala sir, Sister Anitha, Ajith sir, Mani sir, Vijay sir, Ratnamala mam, Padmaja mam, Radha krishna sir, Devender, Prof PSP, Shivraj, Subhanand rao, Kiranmayi, D.N.Rao, Harry, Kiran Chakravarthula sir, Kanchana mam, Satvir, Bade Bhaiya, Dyu, Hitesh, Arddhendu, Sunil Bisht, Navneet Bedar, Krishna, Anagh, Shubha, Sameeksha,  

Geneva Journals- The Book Haul

Every week, as I walk along Augustins, I stop at the Bibliotheque to check out the English books. As it's cloudy they locked all the book boxes. Nevertheless, I went across to ask if there are any books. Everytime, whoever is along with me, accompany me to the store. This time, Jyot accompanied me. She picked D.H.Lawrence Lady Chatterly's Lover and another book on Irish jokes. 

I picked four books and I'm happy with my haul. This time, I was gifted a tote bag by the Librarian.  I feel so abundant by the way people are willing to give me generously. What a way to start the day. 

Thoughts- Room Number? Home Number?

Recently I had to share the directions to my friend of my residence. I shared, "This is my Home Number xxxx" In few minutes, the friend showed up, had a conversation and while leaving, friend appreciated the way I mentioned home number rather than room number.  Thanks friend for sharing whay you liked about it. 

Room of  single studio with one window is my home. The place where I live is my home and I can't locate myself in a place where I don't live and I can't missing the places I've lived as I carry all the places I live and I'm grateful for them.